Be a light in this world.
May. 2nd, 2008
01:00 pm - Writer's Block: Smashed
What would I smash, well see i know it said in my home or office, but I like the things that are in my home, so depending on the time of day or night it is and across the road has their music blaring I would go and smash that damned stereo into tiny little pieces so they couldn't even glue it back together.
Feb. 6th, 2008
11:02 am - My jewellery
I was talking to riversofrainthe other day and i mentioned how i make jewellery, and she asked me to post some pics of the jewellery i do. Now the photo's aren't great and neither is my jewellery making abilities lol. But if anyone wants any please ask, i don't make it to sell, i make it to give to my friends and family, it gives me something to do while David is watching star trek blugggghhhh. So please ask if you want any, I really really want to give it away hehehe.
Anyway here they are:
Anyway, love you all
Dec. 4th, 2007
I was bored so I went online and I did a personality painting. Here it is.
Click here to create your own painting.
Nov. 28th, 2007
12:35 pm - Boredom alert
I was bored today, so I went quiz mad, I've put them all under a cut though lol just so you don't all have to go zooming through crap loads of them to get to more interesting stuff from your other friends lol.
Confident, assertive, and dedicated - you know what you want in life and how to get it.
Stubborn and opinionated, you can stand your ground... even if it's unpopular.
And while you have strong views, you never overwhelm people with your opinions.
A true charmer, you subtly influence people into seeing things your way.
You do best when you:
- Work according to your own rules
- Can change the world with what you do
You would also be a good lawyer or talk show host.
|You Are Donner|
The most loveable and sweet reindeer, you're also a total dork!
Why You're Naughty: You keep (accidentally) tripping the other reindeer while flying.
Why You're Nice: You're always smiling, even if you've fallen flat on your horns.
Why doesn't it suprise me that i'm the clumsy one.
|Your Elf Name Is...|
|Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:|
Dunno how that is sexy?
|You Are a Funny Gift Giver|
Your gifts are wacky, offbeat, and even borderline naughty.
You prefer to give a gift that makes someone crack up...
Forget utility. You prefer to give something that's totally hilarious.
|Your Old Fashioned Name Is...|
|Your Power Color Is Teal|
At Your Highest:
You feel accomplished and optimistic about the future.
At Your Lowest:
You feel in a slump and lack creativity.
You tend to be many people's ideal partner.
How You're Attractive:
You make people feel confident and accepted.
Your Eternal Question:
"What Impression Am I Giving?"
|Your Bumper Sticker Should Be|
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to!
|You Are a Moderate Mama|
You're not overly political, and your views fall more with the American mainstream.
In fact, it may be difficult for you to decide who to vote for at times!
Your approach to politics is reasoned and well though out.
Lucky I'm not American and don't have to actually make a decision then huh?
|Your Hidden Talent|
You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.
And while this may not seem big, it can be.
It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.
You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.
|Your Biblical Name Is...|
You will live to see the end of times.
Sep. 25th, 2007
10:44 am - Hampers
For ages now I have been wanting to do something to help those that need help, and I've been stuck on how to do it. It's hard I've known I wanted to help but I just didn't know how. Anyway I was watching tv the other day and they had this report on a lady in the US who sends hamper's to the troops in Iraq and I thought what an awesome idea. It is something that is really easy to do and I love hampers, I love receiving them, it's like a show bag lol.
So I thought that is it, that is something both Samuel and I can do (he wanted to help too). So we are now researching how we go about doing it. I mean we know how to make the hampers and stuff, but how do we find the people that need them? How do we get in touch with them? Do we advertise and then wait for them to come to us? Or do we just randomly knock on doors?
We decided that the first thing we are going to do is make up a heap of little hampers for Christmas and take them to one of the local nursing homes to give to the elderly. Because the bible says we are to look after the elderly and the needy, so this is what we want to do.
So if any of you want to help or know someone that would really appreciate the special gift for whatever reason, it doesn't mean they have to be poor, they can just have had a really rough patch of being sick, or have just lost their job or just hit hard times for a time being. It doesn't matter, but if you know someone that could use a hamper then let me know so we can organise one.
I was thinking about what the hamper would have in them, and I have some bibles here that are just new testament, some groceries, lollies, toothpaste, shampoo and little things like that. That is to start with and then from there we will judge it and see what happens.
Jul. 13th, 2007
11:40 am - Injection of God's joy
I feel like I need God to pull out the big booster needle and give me a shot of joy, because I hate feeling so down, but it's like I can't pull myself out of it. This is just so frustrating. I have tried spending time with him, and I feel joyous while i'm there and then it's like satan has attacks on overtime. I think I'm just physically and emotionally worn out. I went to my mother in laws house yesterday which made a nice break, but we are back home, the house is a complete disaster zone, because unlike me I have been really struggling to keep up with housework. It has been raining pretty much full time here which is great i love the rain but the problem is our backyard is now a swamp and the boys are home for school holidays, so they trapse mud in the house continuously not to mention what the dogs do. So i just feel like I"m all round not coping. All I can say is praise God school goes back on Monday, Shannon get's his plaster off on Monday and then goes back on Friday, David will be home for the whole weekend so I plan to get stuck into the housework tomorrow, with his help lol, and hopefully we will get a house soon and we can move and that stress isn't hanging over my head. And the best thing about the boys going back to school on Monday is that I don't have to put up with anymore sooking and fighting. I'm so sick of fighting. I can't cope with it anymore. I'm about to explode. We haven't been able to go out anywhere because of Shannon having plaster on his leg, so we all have cabin fever and are hating even looking at the inside of the house, and to boot just to top off my whinge session, I can't get hold of any bloomin' boxes so we are trying to move without packing boxes, yeah thats going to work. Frustration plus I tell you!
Ok I've whinged enough and am probably boring you all to death. Love ya's.
May. 13th, 2007
04:39 pm - Joel 2:25-27
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten - the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm - my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed. Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed"
Praise Jesus that now that I know righteousness I wont be shamed, God is going to pay back all of the pain that I have felt with His love.
Mar. 9th, 2007
03:52 pm - My Testimony
I was born in June of 1976. I don’t know a lot about my early childhood because there are different stories and I don’t know whom to truly believe. My nana says that I stayed with them the majority of time and my mum says that this isn’t true and my nana beat her and was a liar. So I can’t speak for as a baby but I can speak in living memory.
I have a lot of memory of my nana’s house. I was very close to my grandparents, and never was I beaten by my nana, nor did my grandfather sexually molest me. I will explain this later. I remember many times being sent to nana’s because I would be in tears at home, hating it, so mum would ring nana and organise me to stay there. I preferred it there. It was peaceful; nana and pop treated me like I meant something.
My mum had a temper; she would loose it for no particular reason, well it seemed like no particular reason to me and slap my face or go overboard with the hitting somehow. There are many occasions that I remember being slapped or hit, but there are a few that really stand out in my memory. One of those occasions was when I came home from school and mum was looking into the fridge for something, and I asked if I could walk up the shop. Without warning she stood up and slapped my face. I remember her hugging me later and telling me she was sorry but I was so filled with anger and bitterness I didn’t forgive her.
Another occasion was I went to the next door neighbour and for some stupid reason told their mum that my mum wanted to borrow a ribbon and I got scared and gave it to the girl and told her to give it back to her mum. And I ran and hid. When mum found me she took me into her bedroom and made me lay on the bed while she hit me with dad’s belt. I found out later that I had been accused of breaking into their house and stealing the ribbon, which wasn’t the case at all.
There were other occasions of hitting but those were the two that really stood out in my memory and ones that really based the bitterness and anger I felt towards her for hitting me. But that wasn’t all. There was verbal abuse and what I call sexual abuse. It wasn’t the normal raping or anything like that. It was things like flashing her vagina in front of us and pulling at it. It was things like when I was seventeen and needing an operation in that area and her wanting to touch and feel there. It was having an over obsession with touching my bottom. And lewd comments, grabbing my dad on his penis when he walked past. I consider all of this sexual abuse.
The verbal abuse came in terms of swearing at us when we walked in a room, telling me she hated me because she was in a bad mood. I remember one particular hurtful moment was when we had given her Easter egg’s for Easter, and she got angry with my dad for some reason. So she threw all the Easter eggs us kids had given her at the wall and pointed at each of us and “I hate you and I hate you”.
So although my childhood may not have been as bad as what it could have been there was a lot of hurt and pain and it caused me to live in a world of bitterness and unforgiveness. I became a promiscuous child, by the age of 16 I had performed oral sex with a couple of boys from my school and I had got a reputation as a slut at school. I remember boys actually asking me if I would suck them for $50 to torment me.
I left school just before I was sixteen. My grandfather had died the year before suddenly of a heart attack and I felt that the only man that I had in my life that truly loved me was gone. And my dad’s mum died that year. In this time I had gotten in trouble with the police for making up a story about a man trying to abduct me.
In hindsight I know this was a cry for attention but at the time I just wanted to make my mum hurt. That was the highlight of my life, was making her cry, making her fear, and hurting her the way that she hurt me. So as a result I left school, and this was when we found out that my mum was pregnant with my youngest brother.
Just after I left school my nana took my sister, my brother and myself to Qld with her to visit my cousin and aunty up there. We were meant to be there for two weeks, but my mum rang after one week and asked to speak to me. When I answered the phone she cried and told me that she hated my dad and wanted me to come home and help her leave him. So we left again, and it left me with another reason for bitterness to grow.
I finally got a job working in a florist, and started tafe. There I had an escape. My brother was born, and I fell in love with him instantly. Mum rejected him too, and asked me to take care of him of an evening a lot while her and dad went out to the pokies. I began to resent this time, because I had found myself a boyfriend, who I wanted to spend time with and I was being asked every night to baby sit. More bitterness grew.
I lost my virginity at 17 to the first man I met who became my boyfriend for three years, and introduced me into the world of anger and releasing it in a violent way. I also discovered marijuana. Although I didn’t do it heavily or for a long period of time, it was still there. I would go out and sit in a car park with a group of people smoking bongs, until I was feeling physically ill from it. But to me it was a release. It was an escape from the anger and bitterness I was holding, but what I found was it was replacing it with depression.
My boyfriend and I began getting into very physical fights, which resulted in me having my back kicked and a broken finger. This I can’t say was his entire fault because I learnt to put a wall up and antagonise. I found that physical pain hurt less than emotional pain. So I began to put myself in a position where I could be physically hurt. It was at this time that I began physically hurting myself also. I would get a hairbrush and smash it into my face, I would carve myself with serrated knives. I would scratch and scratch at my skin until I bled. And then I would make up stories, elaborate stories about how the wounds happened. I would sink into a fantasy realm, because it was better than being in the real world.
I decided to go back to school and finish in 1995. And this was when I discovered a phone chat line and began meeting various men for sex. I would meet them everywhere. I felt horrible and dirty but it was that feeling of being hurt physically that kept me going back, because it hurt less than the emotional pain. Then I discovered a whole knew pain, the humiliation of being raped. In the true sense of the word I wasn’t raped. The men that did this didn’t hold me down and make me have sex with them. But they did it in another way.
I met two men who came from Geelong in the city. And they took me into the toilets of a pub, where one asked me to give him oral sex. Which I did, but then after buying me a drink they both held me and groped me, then parading me in front of an old, smelly homeless drunk they made him fondle me while they stole his alcohol. They then took me to another toilet while one had sex with me and the other watched. It was humiliating but I fooled myself into thinking it was fun. I went home that night and cried my eyes out.
It never stopped me though. I then met the man who would become my husband. Three months into our relationship I fell pregnant with our eldest son. I moved into his home with his mum and his sister. His mum was a Christian woman, but I continued to reject the idea of any form of Christianity, instead searching crystals, and witchcraft. I never would have called myself a witch, but I did dabble in it, trying to get out of the funk that depression was bringing me into. David and I started to get into a lot of fights.
Just after I fell pregnant David’s other sister accused me of stealing money from her purse. This created huge problems. I knew I was innocent and David believed me but I felt that everyone would completely reject me because they would believe his sister and not me. There were many arguments and I simply wanted to run away. This created more bitterness and more anger and more depression. I began hurting myself again, I began seeking something. David and I were fighting more often than not and also beginning to get into physical fights, he just wouldn’t fight back.
Eventually after our son was born it came out that his other sister had stolen the money and not me. However the sister who accused never could admit she was wrong, she was a very proud person. But the sister that we lived with became very jealous of our son and began swapping his baby formula for cow’s milk and our son began to get very sick. The child health centre nurse threatened to call child welfare and I began to fear. At this time the same sister stole $100 for us and mum offered that we move back into the home. Within in a week, Shannon our son improved dramatically, his weight increased and we avoided having child welfare called.
Finally we found a place of our own and not long after I was pregnant with our second child Samuel. However I was beginning to feel very disheartened the depression was getting worse, I was becoming suicidal and wanting to hurt myself more and more. Once more I turned to another man. I invited a man over who I performed oral sex with. I broke as soon as David got home and told him. This of course created a large problem in our marriage. But we were able to come through it.
When I was four months pregnant, we found out that Samuel our second son was going to be born with a condition called clubfeet. I was horrified and didn’t think I would be able to cope. Things between David’s sister’s and I weren’t good still, and the sister who accused me of stealing also accused me of making more out of Samuel’s feet that what it really was, and that she would be surprised if there was anything wrong with him. This hurt me more, and I became more angry and bitter with her.
When Samuel was born we found out that yes he had clubfeet. Which meant months of having him in and out of hospital. It was at this time that I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I was depressed, angry, hurt and bitter. I didn’t want to be a mum. I didn’t want to be a wife. I just wanted to curl and die somewhere. One night after I had just about all I could take. I had a dream. I woke up knowing that I needed to get to church.
I didn’t see Jesus, or an angel, but I just felt like that was the only refuge I had. My mother in law being a Christian I chose to go to her church. So that Sunday I went along. Both of David’s sisters were now Christians and I had managed to forgive the sister who had stolen the money but was still unable to forgive the one who had accused me. That day at church I said yes to Jesus. I went up the front and gave my life to God.
That night we went to Warragul to see a preacher, and the Holy Spirit just took over the meeting. There were people crying and screaming, there were people falling over, there was no order in the place whatsoever. To be completely honest I sat there thinking what on earth have I done. Then the preacher asked for those that wanted healing to come to the front and receive it. I went up the front and as he came to pray for me I felt something knock me to the ground. I then felt like I was sinking into the carpet. As I got up and went and sat back on the chairs, a lady whom I didn’t know and didn’t know anything about me, came to me and took my hand and said “You have someone else that needs healing”. I was stunned. So I went back and went for healing. I didn’t however believe that God would ever heal Samuel’s feet.
Later that year I went to visit a man by the name of Tim Hall who was holding a tent revival meeting at a local church. That was when Samuel felt God for the first time. Every time anyone came near him they would burst into tears and fall to their knees. Samuel giggled the entire night. But it was the first time I truly felt something happen to me. Whilst Tim’s wife Jackie was praying, I felt the urge to start crying, and whilst crying I began laughing. I was totally confused by this, and Jackie looked at me and said that’s a touch from God your feeling.
My church life went up and down. I loved God, but I wasn’t in love with God. I knew that God was the right way to go but church just didn’t hold me there. I didn’t feel very personal to God. And I didn’t feel him personally. In 1999 David and I decided to finally get married. The wedding was fine but there wasn’t really any trust between David and I. I still had a lot of anger issues that I needed to deal with and a lot of hurt, and so much baggage. But David was patient and loving and loved me unconditionally.
Not long after this we were evicted from our homes, because David had left his job and we got behind on our rent. So we tried to move up to Cobram, but only lasted a week. So finally my parents told us to move in with them at Ballarat. After two weeks we were approved for a Housing Commission house and moved into that. In 2000 I fell pregnant with our third son Peter, and was still in and out of church. In 2002 I decided I needed to go back to school to do something for myself, to become independent. As I was beginning to feel unhappy again.
So I went back to school to do a breaching course to get me into a proper uni course. But of course with Uni comes the Uni lifestyle. A lifestyle that is drinking and partying. I got caught up in this. I began going to nightclubs with my brother. And then I discovered the Internet and Internet dating sites. My life became a whirlwind and started to be turned upside down.
I started meeting people convincing myself that they I just wanted to be friends with them. But found myself having sex with them. This lead to four years of adultery behind David’s back. In this time I met a man who I thought I fell in love with and prepared to leave David for him. However David found out about our affair and I ended up moving into a caravan park.
This man was not serious about me, he continued with his wife, telling her one thing and me another. Telling me he was going to leave her but then never really seriously leaving her. Then he got a unit in Ringwood and I moved in with him. However while we were there he would go back to see his daughter and end up having sex with his wife. I was angry and hurt even more. He was doing to me exactly what I had done to David. So my guilt that I felt for the things that I was doing to David was so powerful and I was in so much pain. That once again I started hurting myself. Hitting my face with objects, cutting my arms with knives. My parents had turned their back on me. They told David that I could never be trusted, and that he should never take me back.
Eventually I could take no more of my new boyfriends infidelities, and I was still stringing David along, telling him that I loved him and wanted him. What I wanted was the best of both worlds. I was trapped in a world of self-hatred and a desire to be loved. Even though I knew David loved me more than imaginable, I felt he didn’t, because I didn’t love myself.
So I moved back to Ballarat. Still believing in God and telling him that I would leave the new boyfriend as soon as we moved somewhere else. I continued seeing him and forced him on David. Telling David that this man was the only friend I had so I couldn’t give him up. We eventually moved from Ballarat to Kilmore, and the boyfriend followed. I convinced him to leave his wife, and get a place in Kilmore to be near me, so that we could slowly begin to create a new life together. Once again, he couldn’t be faithful and began to see other women as well as continuing with his wife.
I started going to church again. But every time I went God convicted me on my life. I would feel uneasy and the self-hatred I felt for myself increased. We moved again this time to Werribee. And I started going to church in Werribee. This time I knew that enough was an enough. If ever I was going to get my life on track with God I had to get my life right. So one day I told the boyfriend that we couldn’t’ see each other again. It took a while with a few seeing each other, but never was there sex again. I finally conquered it. But the next thing God asked me to do was to admit to David everything.
David was driving trucks interstate at the time. And when it came the guilt overcame me and I told him on the phone. I told him everything, about all of them, about all of the lies I told. I had even told him once that I was raped and miscarried our child. Of course as you imagine he was furious, calling me a slut and not speaking to me. He decided to move out of the home.
I drew on God a lot during this time. And God showed me that our marriage would be completely restored. After about four weeks of David moving in and out of the house, he decided that he would forgive me. And we have been able to completely restore our marriage. It was during this time that God showed me that I needed to forgive those who had hurt me. I was able to completely forgive David’s sister who accused me of stealing the money. I was able to start forgiving my mum.
The reason I write this? Because I wanted to share with you, that if God can forgive me after all of what I have done then he can forgive anyone. You haven’t done anything that God wont forgive, you haven’t done anything that God will stop loving you for.
I know that God still loves me. I know that I am forgiven. And you can be too.
If you want to discuss this more with me, then you can email me at email@example.com or you can message me here. I will happily talk to you. I will not judge you, after all what hypocrite would I be to judge you when I so obviously have done bad things in my life.
I love you all
Mar. 4th, 2007
02:08 pm - Prayer and Fasting month
We are having a prayer and fasting month at church this month. I took Peter with me this morning to church and he had a great time, so that might encourage the others to come too.
God spoke to me, that I've been saying I want to be more personal with God, i want to see miracles happen and everything but I need to spend time with God to do that. God's love language is quality time, he wants to spend time with us. For him to know us and for us to know him. How can we say what God wants for us if we don't know what he wants full stop.
The only way around it is by spending time with him. And although I do this I want to do it more. It's funny for the last few days I've been feeling like I'm going to explode, Iike I'm on the verge of being revealed something so huge. I'm finally seeing that passion that people talk about. God is becomming personal in my life. Because I have been spending that time learning him and speaking with him.
I remember riversofrain once saying that she felt she would explode with information about God and I feel the same way. I feel like God has so much he wants to show me, so much love to share with me, and I can't comprehend it all. But I'm so excited about it. I want it all, I want it now. I want so much, I can't understand it all I know that, but I want so much that it is oozing out my pores. I want people who walk past me on the street to know that there is something different about me. That I'm set out from the crowd. I want to be that person.
I want to be so on fire for God that it can't be contained that it can't be held back. I really am feeling like I just want to explode, I'm loving it. I want to shout out praise, i want to sing continuously, I want to never stop speaking with Him, I never want to stop learning from him. I want to completely surrender to Him and let God just have his way with me. To mould me into the person he wants me to be.
Thankyou Jesus for your love, thankyou Lord that you want to spend time with me, that you want to share with me the desires of your heart, that your will, will be done in my life, that you produce this holy fire that surrounds me and burns within in me. That your love overflows me and shares out with everyone.
I love you all
Lisa are you ok? I haven't heard from you in a while too and I'm hoping everything is ok with baby Raegan.
Mar. 3rd, 2007
05:29 pm - The book of Acts.
I am studying the book of Acts and the miracles that are held within them.
I have been reading a book by a man called Jack Deere called "Suprised by the voice of God" and it is all about how the miracles in the bible don't just stop in the bible that in actual fact they are here now and today, we just need to believe them.
And it's amazing, God has been really challenging me, do I believe? Do I truly believe that God does perform healings, do I really believe that God will speak personally to his believers today? And of course it's easy to say well yes of course I do God, but then he puts you to the test.
Which is what is happening to me. I have been diagnosed with gallstones huge ones, ones that are going to cause me to have my entire gallbladder removed. Something I don't want to have to undergo. So do I truly believe God can and will heal the gallstones obliterating them and making them disappear, in other words do I believe God will perform a miracle that is spoken about in the bible on me?
Well once again yeah sure I do God. Well then why when you feel pain do you reach for the pain medication? Why do you tell everyone woe is me this is what is wrong? Why are not declaring that I am going to heal you?
Hmmmm tough questions.
So God is taking me through the book of acts, showing me the miracles that were performed after Jesus was crucified. Showing me that these miracles weren't at the hand of Jesus but were because He moved through another. And they are only the ones mentioned, I'm sure not all miracles were mentioned in the bible.
So now I'm being challenged to realign my belief and thinking. It's easy to think yeah miracles happen but they happen to other people not to me. But part of knowing God personally is expecting those miracles to happen to you. That is what I'm learning, that is how I'm training my thought pattern, I'm teaching myself to expect to be healed. I don't need this operation, I don't need to be sick because God is the healer of all. After all God's word says "By his stripes we are healed" So why did Jesus go through all of that if I'm not going to accept what is rightfully mine?
Yes some of you may be thinking well duh Sam like we don't already know this. But let me ask you, do you believe God can and will heal you? Your marriage, your pain, your relationship with a friend, your financial problem, anything, God will and can restore, heal, and fix it. We just have to believe, accept and expect. Sometimes it wont happen instantly, sometimes we do have to go through bad stuff to get to the good stuff. But God will let you in on what is what, if you expect it. He isn't going to just leave you high and dry, he is going to tell you what is what. That I know is true.
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